seeing the world through my eyes

Things have been going pretty well lately.  After losing my job in October I didn't think i would be able to find another one.  I searched for two months, applying to everywhere and mostly everywhere in the Danielson area.  I finally got a job at Walmart as a cashier.  It's really tiring, especially because it is the holiday season.  I like it a lot though.  Everyone should go buy something.  =]

I made the school play this year, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.  I am really going to miss that play and the cast.  It was a pretty new cast, but we pulled it off.  We had some pretty cool special effects at the end.  I can't wait to see what the spring play is going to be.  I've heard some rumors that either we're doing a musical in the spring or next year.  That would be amazing!

As for classes, I've been really busy.  I have 4 AP classes, so my life has a lot of time devoted to schoolwork.  Progress reports come out this week, and I am really nervous about Chem.  I never should have taken AP Chem, but I had to thanks to the darn block scheduling.  If anyone knows of a good Chem tutor I would be really grateful!  That is the only class I am really worried about.  US History, Music Theory, Latin 3, Geometry and Chorus I am pretty confident in. 

The situation with my mom has gotten a little better.  We go to court on Tuesday to hopefully get things solved once and for all.  We've been dealing with this for 7 months now, and I'm tired of it.  I just want it to be over so maybe I can actually develop a relationship with her.  That would be nice.

Well, that's it for now.  More at a later time.

 

It's finally come.  I'm leaving tomorrow for Yale.  I can't believe it.  Last night was pretty stressful because Megan's Memere wanted everything to be packed by this morning so we could load the car.  I spent most of the night doing laundry =P   I didn't really want to bring alot of stuff but i ended up with two big bags and two smaller bags.  I also brought my guitar.  I wanted to bring my tenor sax but I figured that would be way too much to carry.  Clothes were a big issue for packing.  I always think that I am going to run out, or as soon as I get where I am going I realize that I forgot some piece that I really wanted.  Other than that I think I have everything.  There is only one problem.  I don't have my Upside Card yet.  That was supposed to be in a few days ago.  Now my grandpa is going to have to drive it up to me.  Other than that I definitely have enough money to last me for three weeks.  Yay for having a nice paycheck every week.  
I am really hoping to meet alot of new people when I leave.  I am also going to take pictures of everything.  I am such a sucker for pictures. =]  
We still haven't heard anything about the hearing.  My attorney said the soonest she could ask anyone would be Monday.  Unfortunately that is after I leave.  I really hope there aren't going to be any problems tomorrow between my mom and anyone.  She gave me a going away present yesterday, it was The Giving Tree. [The Shel Silverstein one].  I don't understand it but that's fine.  It's going to be nice to get away from everything for 3 whole weeks.  I am going to do my best to not worry about anything.  The only thing that is hanging over my head is all of the summer work that I haven't finished yet.  I am mostly worried about U.S. HIstory and Latin.  The whole Band-Latin problem is still around too.  I am going to have to miss a day of band camp because of work.  That really irritates me.  I still get to go around 6 but that's not the point.  I am a section leader this year and that's not setting a good example and also I like band camp.  [Yes typical band person]
Things to hopefully get accomplished at Yale:
1) Meet alot of people
2) Take tons of pictures
3) Try to be more outgoing
4) RELAX
5) Learn as much as possible
6) Finish rest of summer reading list and take some notes
7) Get through at least Chapter 2 of U.S. History
8) Make alot of memories
9) Decide between Law and Music for a career

Well, the hearing was yesterday.  My mom lied her way through most of it.  When it comes to my parents I can say whatever I think when they aren't there but for some reason I can't stand up for myself when they are there.  That's kind of what happened yesterday.  I had everything that I wanted to say ready to go, but then my mom started crying [which made me cry] and everything went away.  I couldn't remember anything that I had wanted to say and it went nowhere.  The judge was supposed to make a decision that day but she brought up insurance issues so we should be hearing the result within the next few days. 
I am going for a counseling session tomorrow with my mom.  oh  boy.  I have a feeling the discussion will be verrry heated.  I am promising myself that I am going to say what is on my mind tomorrow.  No more letting her get away with anything she wants to.  Hopefully this will be a new start for our relationship.  My attorney said she did the same thing I did and it was the best decision she did for her relationship with her mom.  Now she and her mom are best friends.  I hope that my relationship with my mom at least gets to the point where we can be civil to each other.
I signed up for a license test today.  If all goes well I should be getting my license August 13.  That will be a really big step of independence for me.  Also, I leave for Yale in four days.  =]       Can't wait

well the band newsletter came in today.  There is so much music to be memorized by the time band camp comes around, especially since I am going to be gone for the next 3 weeks.  Band camp starts 2 days after I come back, so those days are going to be pretty hectic.  On top of all that I still have to read 3 books for English, take notes on them, do a bunch of latin homework, and outline 4 chapters of U.S. History [5 pages of notes each] and answer essay questions for that.  Yay AP U.S. History [not].  After all is said and done I might not be able to do band anyway.  Darn that block scheduling.  They have AP Latin 3 and Band during the same class period.  Last year if you didn't participate in marching band you couldn't do symphonic band, and vice versa. I hope I am still able to do marching band, especially after all the work I have put into it.  I am a section leader this year and if I can't do band then I will have a big problem.  This doesn't just affect me, it affects others too, like Megan, Patrick, Trent, Liz, and others.  If the Board of Ed. doesn't change their mind on the scheduling I sure hope Mr. Palmeter does.  They also put Calculus in the same period as Band and Latin.  Thank god I am only in Pre-Calc this year.  This school year should be pretty stressful as far as classes go.  I am signed up for AP U.S. HIstory, Honors Geometry/Pre-Calc, AP Latin 3, Honors English 3, Band, Chorus, and I was supposed to take Chemistry at QV.  I hope I can fit all of that into my schedule.  

Tuesday is drawing nearer and nearer.  I am getting really nervous for court.  Well, actually I'm more apprehensive.  My mom has been lying about alot of serious stuff and I'm nervous she is going to start lying during our hearing.  I am so mad at her right now it's unbelievable.  Some of the things she has done these past [almost] 2 months are going to take me a long time to forgive.  Eventually I hope my mom and I are able to have a better relationship.  Although I don't see that happening in the near future, I hope it happens at some point.  

Our [megan and I] going away party is tomorrow.  Very excited for that.  There's going to be about 40 people there and it should be pretty fun.  I can't believe I'm leaving in a little over a week.  There is still so much to be done.  I am going shopping for clothes on tuesday, but there is alot of stuff that I would have never thought of, like my own hand soap.  Yale doesn't have hand soap in the bathroom, go figure.  I also need to bring my own phone, my own lamp, and a fan.  On top of clothes and things like that I am also bringing my guitar and possibly my clarinet.  I'm not really sure yet.  Yale is going to be so much fun.  It's going to be a good de-stresser too.  3 weeks of not having to deal with anyone's crap.  =]    I love getting mail [hint hint] so people should be cool and send me letters.  

One big problem of the summer is financial problems.  Even though I have almost a full time job I am having trouble with money.  I have to pay car insurance, my cell phone bill, car repairs, and put gas in my car.  My car is going to need a new transmission soon and I don't know how much that is going to cost me.  I also need to buy clothes since I had to get rid of alot of them.  Then there are the random expenses, such as going to the movies or going shopping with people.  Then I need to pay for my license test next month.  So excited for that!  I go for my license on August 13.  If all goes well I should be able to drive myself to and from band camp.  Also, I don't have to go on the bus anymore =]  .  That means no more Earl!  woo..  Everything is coming up so quickly, but hopefully all will go well.

Well, I finally got a job at Desired Weddings & Special Events in Putnam.  Thank God.  It's a pretty good job with a really nice boss who is giving me three weeks off to go to Yale this summer.  The only bad part is that it is inside, which means i don't get to be outside a lot.  I've only made it to the beach once this summer =[. 
The problems with my mom haven't been getting any better.  In fact, they have been getting worse.  Not a lot of people know about it, but i moved out/was kicked out of my house and have been living with my grandparents since May 31.  We had to get the courts involved because my grandparents needed some type of guardianship over me.  My mom has been ridiculous about most of this and hasn't been making it any easier.  I had to go get all of my stuff from the house and Josh went with me.  For some reason Megan wasn't allowed to go. [another example of people being ridiculous]  My mom and neighbor ended up moving my piano out of the house onto the porch and damaging it.  I had to buy another cell phone for myself because someone is holding the other one hostage.  I decided it would be better if i didn't give my mom the new number.  
I can't wait for yale next week.  It will be a good time to just get away from everything and relax.  Even the ride up is going to be stressful though.  I'm riding up with Megan, her mom, her memere, and my grandfather.  My mom wanted to know why she couldn't ride up with us.  I couldn't believe it.  After all she has done to me and to Megan's mom she thinks she is going to ride up with us?  I don't think so.  She took it hard that I didn't want her to ride up with us, but I think it was for the better.  I don't know that I want her riding up to Yale at all that day.  She has done too many things that I am having trouble forgiving her for.  Plus after court on the 17 I don't think we are going to be talking too much.  She can hold grudges for a very long time.  Heck, she still holds a grudge against my grandparents for taking me to my dad's wedding 5 YEARS AGO.  It's gonna take her a long time to get over this one.  
I think that I've been pretty reasonable throughout this whole deal.  Anybody who knows everything that has been happening will probably agree.  One thing that's going to be hard is taking away guardianship from her.  If the courts have to go to school or band parents everyone is going to take her side.  To everyone else she seems like this perfect person who is a perfect mom.  She makes brownies for people on their birthdays, always gives people rides, and things like that.  To other people she seems like a flawless person.  Only a couple people besides myself know how she REALLY is.  It really is unfortunate.  I always hoped the problems between my mom and I worked out.  I figured once I got to be a teenager it would be easier.  When that didn't work I looked for a new time to look forward to.  Once Jeff was in our lives I thought things would change.  That didn't work either.  He thinks it is all his fault but it's not.  It doesn't really have to do with him at all.  He helped things for awhile but he couldn't stop it forever.
Summer hasn't been all that relaxing.  I'm still as stressed if not more stressed as I was during school.  I don't really get a break this year.  Oh well, guess i can look forward until christmas vacation. :-P  I think the part that makes me the angriest is that she is lying left and right and she thinks she is going to get away with it.   I am finally getting my car [hopefully later today] but I don't think that I am going to keep it.  I am thinking about selling it.  It's not worth it anymore.  There has been too many problems with it, like the transmission and the process of getting it from my mom.  I am hoping to use the money I get for the car for a deposit on a chevy truck.  That would be amazing if I could buy a truck. :-)    I think the best part about living with my grandparents is I feel like an actual person who can make some of their own decisions.  When I lived back home I had to ask my mom for EVERYTHING.  Everything except for school was considered a privilege, and my phone was being taken away constantly for dumb reasons.  I had to call her every 5 seconds.  When the group went to ol' toms together I had to call her when we left the school, got to ol' toms, when we left, and when we got back to the school.  Then I had to call her again before band started.  There were some major trust issues.  I don't really know why.  I don't think I've done anything to her to make her not trust me.  She says now she has no respect or trust for me.  She only has respect for Josh.  Figure that one out.  
It's not only the mom deal that is stressful.  There are some serious problems within my friends.  I can't really get into it because I don't want to mention any names.  I am mad at one person in particular but hopefully that problem gets fixed soon.  I try to push my problems to the side to help others and I think that gets me into trouble.  I don't try to, but somehow their problems become my problems and then I am twice as stressed out.  I don't mind doing it though.  They are my friends and I would do anything for them.  I know they feel the same. 

I have decided that Honors English 2 has been a complete waste of a year to me and that it is just ridiculous.  It's progress report time and we don't even have a grade to put down on the report.  We never do anything in that class and when we finally do it's a major project that is made ten times harder than it should be.  Take our final exam for example.  We have to write a 8-10 page research paper [that we had to find our own topic], then change the research paper into a powerpoint presentation, make two questions for our presentation, grade the two questions from everyone, and then answer everyone else's questions.  That would be 32 questions we have to answer, and they each have to be about a paragraph long.  This all has to happen between next week and the end of school?  I don't think so!  Our rough draft is due next Thursday, and about half of the class still doesn't know what they are doing for a topic.  This is just ridiculous.  Nobody wants to go up and ask him for help because each time we come up with a new idea he just shoots it down or talks to us like we are stupid.  I hate this year so much.  College Prep English does more work than we do.  I am thinking I would have been better off taking that class instead of this one.  Gah, that man drives me crazy.....

=P


-banj

Today was pretty good.  Overall it went really fast. Thank god.  Other than the fact that I have four tests tomorrow I am in a really good mood. 
Basically, ditzy girls who are attention whores need to really shut their mouths and just try to pay attention for once so the rest of us can concentrate on what is happening.  If I have to hear "Glenn, want to hear a really cool story?" one more time, I will be forced to jump over a chair and beat someone with it.  =] 

Yay for getting the part of Rumpelstilskin in a skit for drama :-).  Unfortunately, only 4 people showed up for auditions, including Liz.  I think the skit will turn out pretty well though.  Shannon is the Queen and I am Rumpelstilksin. 

"Great Things Happen Here"
    That is the motto of our school, but lately I don't see how it applies to us at all.  Bikes are stolen, drugs are sold and used, alcohol is used beyond belief, and the homework is months overdue.  Not that everyone in our school does badly, but for the most part they do.  It's getting to the point where I don't even want to leave anything of value in my locker, and that even has a lock on it.  Last year money was stolen out of my locker and I was mad, but I thought people finally grew up.  If anything, however, it has just gotten worse.  Today my friend went out to go get his bike and we saw someone had stolen it.  A $285 bike gone.  It's crazy.  Our school really needs to buckle down and try to fix things.  It is just getting out of hand now. 


When I see your smile, tears roll down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall; I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall; I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cause you're my, you're my
My true love; my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cause I'm here for you
Please don't throw that away and
Please tell me you'll stay

Treat me as you will;
Pull my strings just for a thrill
Cause I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning grey

I will never let you fall; I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

I am really bored, so I figured I would just vent about some stuff that has been bothering me.  Why is it that you can be a guy's really good friend and then when you start to like them they are like "oh, I don't want to ruin the friendship"..It's like you're good enough to be there to pick up the pieces when they are down, help them through things and have a good time hanging out but not good enough for the whole boyfriend-girlfriend deal.  What's up with that?  Guys need to realize what they are doing to us girls.  They are so confusing.  One day they will be all close with you and make you feel like you are the most important person in the world and the next they are ignoring you to be with someone else.  I'm not saying you can't have more than one friend, because that's just stupid.  But seriously, make up your mind and stop messing with ours.  I know I'm not the only girl who is going through this stuff with guys.  All the time I am hearing, "I thought he liked me but today he is all over _____".  It really sucks.  Guys need to realize what they are doing.

Now for school.  This research paper for English is completely wiping me out.  Mr. Trombino is no help to me.  Everytime I try to go up to him with a new topic he shoots it down.  I tried to do women's rights and the trials that have occurred because of it but he said I couldn't because the trials I found were all from different countries and our women have never had it that badly.  I'm not the only one having trouble with a topic.  Kelli is in the same boat as I am.  Now Mr. Trombino wants me to do the psychology of man's mind and why he thinks he is superior to women.  Sure, easy enough said.  All I have left to do is find the information.  Maybe there is just something wrong with how I am searching.  Whatever the reason is, I am having a great deal of trouble with it.  Maybe it's because I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything for that class.  I really hate it [especially the teacher].  I haven't learned anything from it.  We tried to talk about symbolism for A Separate Peace because there is so much of it in there and all Mr. Trombino could pick up on was that the tree meant life.  WOW good one.  I can't help but think this entire year of english has been a waste of time for me.  I just want to be able to finish this year and never have to listen to him again.  Most of our class feels the same way.  Also, I have no idea what's going on in my Algebra II class.  Mr. Messier has been alot of help, always offering to help me after school, but it just isn't helping.  I really need to get some help for that class.  So if anyone understands Algebra 2 they would be a lifesaver. *hint hint* =D 

Then of course there's the home life.  My mom and I are pretty close but lately things have been hitting the fan.  She says she's not trying to push me away from music as my career, but she is always trying to get me to change my mind. She says "minor in music. Major in a science instead".  Doesn't that seem like she is pushing me away from it?  I think so.  I want to major in music and then minor in medicine or law.  Why can't she just accept that?  Gah, she puts way too much pressure on me.  I have to pay for mostly everything myself.  I know, she is trying to teach me responsibility.  I HAVE responsibility.  But how does she expect me to pay for my cell phone, lunches, car insurance driver's ed and pay back my uncle with $20 a week?  It's not like I have been lazy and not applied to places for a job.  I have applied to 16 places since my birthday!  Nobody is hiring.  I am doing all I can, but she is stressing me out when it comes to money and my school. 

Well, that's it for now.

I got my packet from explo yesterday =]
Turns out I got my top two choices for classes!! [music theory/composition and mock trial]
Very excited for going to Yale this summer...

Hopefully I can get a job soon so I can actually have spending money.
Unfortunately, I have applied to over 15 places since my birthday and no one is hiring.
I need money for car insurance [$150 a month] money for my phone [$30 a month] money to pay off my uncle [$200] and now I need to be able to pay for Yale this summer...[over $345]..

Very stressed out about money, but hopefully everything will turn out okay.